Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
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pls suprot
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
Seems kinda suspicious