if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
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Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
They should invent something in between cappuccino & narcotics.
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
THERAPIST: In healthy relationships, couples aren’t afraid to ask questions in the bedroom
ME (having sex): babe what’s the capital of azerbaijan?
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”