if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
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Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
Christmas bonus so small you have to call your bank and ask “is it in yet?”
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
I’ve been threatened several times, shot at once, and had a gun pulled on me 3 times, and yet I’ve never been intimidated by anyone except this damn toddler
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
The Lion King is my favourite film outlining why you shouldn’t trust your uncle