Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.

Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??

Octopus:

Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.

Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.

[Arriving at party]

Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?

Me: I was told “infancy dress”.

Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!

Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two

Him: do you believe in miracles?

Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?

Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—

Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so

“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”

🤷🏽‍♀️🤦🏽‍♀️😩

A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.

When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂

Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.

[2 years and 250 boxes later]

Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.

Gonna stop calling it a mammogram and start referring to it as Squishmallows.

I’m on hold. My call is important to them.

Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.

neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?

my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese

[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself

people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.

Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.

I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.

To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.

You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?

Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut

I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.

When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.

I’m going to the gym now.

Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.

H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!

garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move

A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”