Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?

Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”

Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”

IT: I’m hanging up

Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy

IT: *dial tone*

*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*

Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.

The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer

Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.

Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!

Thor: I’ll silence their guards.

Captain America: What’s a microwave?

I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.

Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!

*checks the date*

It’s 15 years younger than me.

No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.

NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.

imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes

Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight

*as soon as I relax*

-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!

Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.

After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.

You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.

Why do meteors always land in craters?

same energy

Fun Fact:

Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.

‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’

*in Hell

Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke

If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.

Egyptians don’t walk like that.

everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades

Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?

All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church

I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.

spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you

I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.

I’m putting together a team