If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
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So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it