Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.

*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”

Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.

I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.

My brother just sent me an angry text.

I’m excuse, what’s your drunk

*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac

“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.

When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…

Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.

Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you

Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute

It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.

They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.

Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?

Me: I’m sorry, move what?

Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?

[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much

[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see

Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?

hear me out : pockets for your socks

I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.

Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10

Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.

#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?

The slowest swimmer.

I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.

Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.

Following my previous tweet, I would like to clarify that I am not running for mayor. I meant to say that I was running from the mayor but mistyped because I was running at the time.

[blind date]

her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something

me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship

her: ah there it is

I remember being a kid and telling my mom I thought it was weird that her and Santa had the same handwriting. But now as an adult I just think it’s weird that she still gets him to write the gift tags

Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.

Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.

Guy who likes music

every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday

I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.

Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?

Succinctly put.