Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”

Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!

Wife: I don’t like where this is going.

Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.

Wife: I’ll be at the bar

Springsteen: baby we were born to run

Springsadult: let’s just take a cab

“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.

Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?

Advisor: let me take their temperature

Queen: ?

Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king

Queen: how do you know?

Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises

Me: What did you do at preschool?

3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.

Me:

3-year-old: I need to lie down.

I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.

There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above

Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.

Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.

No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.

Me: you got your gaming license with you?

Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt

[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!

For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”

I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”

We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.

Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.

Me: So you’re like, standing?

You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.

[6 ½ hour car ride]

Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.

Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*

Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?

Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”

Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.

Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby

Her: Head held high

Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby

IRL

I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.

Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.

I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site

Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u

Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit

Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”

-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no variety

Exclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”

-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you

Got kicked out of the gang for taking instant photos of the homies and calling them brolaroids

I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.

GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?

“Hygiene”

SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.

I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing