Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..

A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.

Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor

Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman

*seductively corrects your posture*

If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel

Hey all,

I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.

From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.

Forgive me—I will do better next time.

~a dad, trying

Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week

Sniffing the broccoli

Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?

Me: I need to find my people

Him: You have a family, we are your people

Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like

you stereotypes are all alike

If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up

My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.

The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?

Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?

Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.

HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES

birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it

just great. my first shift as a secret service agent and i overslept :/ hopefully nothing bad happened

Optimist: The cup is half full.

Pessimist: The cup is half empty.

Taxidermist: The cup was empty, but I stuffed it full again.

Bigamist: I think this is Rachel’s cup. Or Amy’s. Maybe Susan’s?

Alarmist: Someone drank out of my cup! Watch out for thirsty burglars, people!

“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”

*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*

The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.

Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?

Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.

*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though

My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.

She’s eleven.

I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.

I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.

3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?

Me: What? I don’t know

3: Dadda get up, go find it

Me: …..

3: …..

Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?

3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!

No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.

Wednesday

you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.