Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.

has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet

[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k

Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running

“I’m an actress”

I watched your web series, and I disagree.

ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*

I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.

What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed

Me: I want to-

Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!

Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!

Boss: Ok good. Go on

Me: I want to stop working here

He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.

Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.

The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”

I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.

Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap

i installed a ceiling fan in my room

GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.

It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?

*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears

‘Sup.

My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.

Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.

Expect the unexporcupine.

Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.

I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:

Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate

just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️

Them: Listen to your body more.

Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.

I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.

Just once, I’d like to have a fully baked idea.

Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”

Outside: [*raining clowns*]

I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited

I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo

That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.