Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life

Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?

Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.

age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch

age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks

I think long & hard before using innuendo.

I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.

My Quarantine Routine:

8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in

if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what

hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead

MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods

If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.

I refer to one of my neighbors as the “older lady on the end,” but it turns out she’s like my age.

My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.

Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)

Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air

[God creating octopus]

Angel: We’re outta teeth. You gave too many to the sharks

God: Crap. What’s left?

A: ink & suction cups

G: Hmmm..

let the world know you’re kind of a big dill

*Tries to warm up car*

Car: I have a boyfriend

[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationery

philosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox

HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes

ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree

My recliner and I go way back

Me: what are we doing today

Trainer: let work on your forearms.

Me: but I only have 2

T: What?!?

Me: *whispers* I only have 2?

The Mayor in Jaws was right.

Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”

“Who made that decision?”

“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”

I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”

Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.

Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.

Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.

So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.

Pretty dissapointed in them ever since though.

“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo

I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after

Apparently there is a mountain high enough.