Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…

Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?

Me: Why would I want another empty glass?

[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on

Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.

There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…

..Frying the bacon

Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.

Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt

“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”

Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?

Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?

I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.

Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:

I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.

People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.

the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.

Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime

EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?

ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster

EARTH: great just checking

MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi

Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!

Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?

Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.

Dorothy: …What else you got?

Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian

I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.

Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.

Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.

Me: No.

Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!

Me: Please stop.

Body: Itchy back!

My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.

“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”

Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning

Me: Why

The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.

I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.

I’m never using self-checkout again.

I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.

Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.

Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.

Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest

Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]

NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks

Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.

Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.

Creator of Etch A Sketch:

We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.