Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way

you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly

Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.

Just show up everyday and be consistent.

Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.

there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.

*hands a turd to the teacher

Teacher: What’s this?!

Me: My dog ate my homework.

me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?

3: it smells hot

Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet

Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?

Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.

I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.

(At war) you guys mind if I leave a bit early today?

Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul

My therapist: no

imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol

ME: *enters password*

COMPUTER: Weak and insecure

ME: No it’s not

COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine

ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT

*makes plans with someone*

(30 seconds later) what have I done

“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”

They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys

No YOUR a grammar nazi!

The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.

*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*

this is why I drink

Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to

[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN

I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.

I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.

Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget

The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER

I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.

When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”

normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest

Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.

me: I miss handshakes

cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty