If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
You Might Also Like
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
Butt weight. There’s more!
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?