Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up

One night a Viking named Rudolph the Red was looking out the window when he said ‘It’s going to rain.’
His wife asked, ‘How do you know?’
He replied, ‘Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear

sure sex is great for your memory but have you guys ever had sex? i heard it’s great for your memory.

*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.

And we wonder why America is getting fat.

MATH

Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?

Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.

TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived

GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please

We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.

Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”

If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.

“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”

“Omphalophobia.”

“Why do you know that?!?”

“I studied at the Navel Academy.”

[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!

The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.

I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.

Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy

Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers

NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead

ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time

Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.

Dm: Hi

Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?

Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂

I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭

Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy

Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus

Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?

Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*

*i did

Me: When you hear hoof beats, think horses not zebr —[trampled by herd of bison]

The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!

Neither of my kids likes boba, so I fear that they will not fit in with all their peers who seem to be singlehandedly keeping the 14 boba places in business within a mile of our house

Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.

wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?

If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.

If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.