If you want my opinion ask my wife
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it looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
The first Ron is always Ron. Any Rons who come after are automatically MoreRons. I don’t know why HR sees it otherwise.
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
i often find myself insisting to my partner that i only have “normal bag stuff” in my rucksack and “yes i do need to carry around all those items”, so it pains me to say that today i found an unopened jar of roasted garlic cloves in there
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
I love the National Park Service.
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
My 5 y/o just pooped teal. I asked what she ate and she said, I hid in the pantry yesterday and ate all the blue sprinkles in the shaker. FFS
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.