If you want my opinion ask my wife
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[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
My dating checklist is down to “not the Unabomber”
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.