If you want my opinion ask my wife
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Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
General: We need aerial support now!
Captain: *confused* I’m glad she had a happy ending, she deserved more than the ocean could give her sir!
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
*pronounces fake like saké*
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.