If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
You Might Also Like
no way 😭
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
New parent: our kids are only going to eat healthy food
That same parent, 3 kids later: it’s ok to have cookies for breakfast
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
bad
worse
worst
worchester
You’re an adult – you can eat the whole tube of toothpaste if you want to. No one can stop you
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.