Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

On the surface: cool as a cucumber…

On the inside: squirrel in traffic…

[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to

I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.

[my first day on the international space station]

*grinds pepper over food*

Oh.

Oh no.

me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me

pizza guy: u sure?

*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd

“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”

– Me, to my coffee

[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”

Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.

[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”

Haha no, he went to Disney World.

3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.

Dog 911: what’s ur emer-

Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME

Dog 911: so?

Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE

Dog 911: OMG

Dog: OMG

As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.

Lord they down here giving us bills every month after you already paid the price

[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name

Them: You have a debt to society

Me: Well they can get in line

This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.

wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza

kansas: no we said PEACE when-

wayward son: you’re screwing with me right

Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!

Chocolate Cake: …..

Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.

I have one of those signs in my house that says:

“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”

Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.

My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split

I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand

Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”

Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for

I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.

Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy

#medicalvalentine

me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***

*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms

Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.

Friend: You’re being dramatic.

Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.

F: Seriously?

Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.

I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.

What am I doing with the rest of my life?

I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…