If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
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You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
will i understand Nosferatu if i haven’t seen Nosfera 1
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
Sending my 6yo to law school considering how many arguments I’ve had to hear about why he should get to eat pumpkin pie today
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
Canada’s plan to take over the US is coming along nicely.
They sent down cold & snow to places that almost never get it.
Well played Canada, well played.
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.