If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
You Might Also Like
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
Before crowbars crows drank alone
My whole life was a lie.
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
thanking the kid in his karate uniform for his service
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.