If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
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thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
My wife: where the heck did you spend $25,000 last night?
Me:
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
Technically, the Friday after July 4 isn’t a holiday.
But I think we all know that Americans have a constitutional right to take the fifth.
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?