If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
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Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
Guy behind me in line with an Icehouse tallboy asks if he can cut me in line bc he’s in a rush. I said sure np then walk outside after and see him posted up on the side of Walgreens drinking his Icehouse. I go “Big rush huh” and he says “Yeah, I was in a rush to start drinking.”
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
me: it’s recommended that to relieve stress you leave your desk and take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy