If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
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DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
There’s a lot of coyotes in my neighborhood. I’m so afraid that one of these days I’ll end up walking right into a tunnel painted on a brick wall.
Crazy to think during a small window of time that Shaq was 5’2”
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Don’t beat an alive horse either.
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.