If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
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But that’s none of my business
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
yes hello I’d like to exchange my generational trauma for generational wealth please
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!