“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
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When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
Every time someone blocks you, you should lose a letter.
“Hlp! Whts hppnng? cn’t wrt nthng!”
Dudes wash, shampoo, condition & rinse in under three minutes while women take a shour.