“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
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Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army