“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
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I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
I got pulled over ONE TIME when my daughter was with me and now whenever she sees a police car she says her own special little prayer of “please god let my mom drive normal”
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.