If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
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A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
Netflix and scream at our children?!
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
CRYING
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
A great tip. #CakeRex
live, laugh, laundry.
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?