If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
You Might Also Like
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
Brouhaha (noun): the feeling of joy upon discovering someone has made you a cup of tea.
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
I asked a judge if he would reconsider some of my case settings. I explained it’s hard to try 4 divorce cases 4 days in a row. He laughed and said, “Imagine having to listen to you argue 4 consecutive days.” And my husband who had no business even in the courtroom said, “Yep.”
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
Me: I’ll be home a little late today.
Son: Why?
Me: Two of our coworkers are leaving the company, so we are all getting together to celebrate.
Son: Wow, you guys must have really hated them.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*