Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.

What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.

When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.

Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.

I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck

Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.

Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.

Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?

Me: Oh no!

Wife: What?

Me: Bankruptsea!

I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it

I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.

batman: who do I see about this ticket?

cop: oh, I wrote it

batman: who tickets the batmobile!?

cop: you were illegally parked

batman: I was fighting crime!

cop: rules are rules

batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!

cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?

Me: Why is your face so cold??

Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.

If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave

publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?

jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob

I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit

“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”

Where do turtledoves come from?

“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”

*walks into a restaurant*

Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.

Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card

And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.

Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.

Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU

If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership

His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’

I’d rather fork than spoon.

I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.

She is not “fun to be around”.

“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.

Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head

[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going

The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.

[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.

*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.