If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
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*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
The “baby” on the left….
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
Them crunching noisily: These cookies you made are huge!
Me: those are chocolate chip pancakes
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
BRO LMFAO
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.