If you want to avoid dementia, choose parents without it in their genealogy. Science shows everything is genetic. Especially intelligence
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Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
What happened to the other hiker??!
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
Looking at you, Jesus.
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Don’t you think today was just perfect?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a Flintstones themed wedding but was told no] I yabba dabba do not Sharon, tbh.
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
What happens when Batman sees Catwoman?
The Dark Knight Rises
Happy Tuesday
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
(Playing an online game with my My 10yr old where you get a theme and decade to recreate)
10: Okay, you got Hollywood annnd the 1950s.
Me: Fun! I love that.
10: You were alive then, right?
Me: This isn’t fun anymore. 😂
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
If you’re hungry, you can say “I’d kill for a doughnut,” and it’s fine. But any other crime sounds suspicious.
“I’d commit insider trading for a cruller right now.”
“Oh man, I’d totally burn down a warehouse for a bear claw.”
“Give me a jelly filled or I’ll shiv you.”