If you want to block me because I post too many bird puns…
Well, toucan play at that game.
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My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
🐶😂
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
Guy: what do you know about crypto
Me: that’s a DC villain, right?
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
This made me chuckle.
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom