If you want to block me because I post too many bird puns…
Well, toucan play at that game.
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can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
Moments before my plane doors closed this guy rushes on and goes “I MADE IT BOYS” and like 10 dudes scattered around the plane started cheering and he high fived them all as he went to his seat. Their boys weekend in Bozeman is about to be a feature film
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
The reason I wrap my potato in tinfoil before baking it is so that the government can’t tell what the potato is thinking
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
I’ve had worse
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
You can’t spell dyslexia without sexy.
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you