If you want to block me because I post too many bird puns…
Well, toucan play at that game.
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(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
New parent: our kids are only going to eat healthy food
That same parent, 3 kids later: it’s ok to have cookies for breakfast
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
Found a mystery grape in my building today. Gonna ask it questions like a crystal ball.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
I need a headline like this
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
“How stressed are you?”
Me:
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
(Musicians.)
