If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
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Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”