If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
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I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
Something Saturday.
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
I’m not proud