If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
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me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
Strangers have the best candy.
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
I hate how people pile on chiropractors just because they’re fake and dangerous
(Just overheard in the dentist waiting room)
Kid: Mrs Davies taught us about negotiataners
Mum: You mean negotiations?
Kid: *considers* Let’s agree on negotiatans
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit