If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
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The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
*gently puts my sense of humor in rice*
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
How do I get people to bring me various casseroles without hosting a wake?
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
If it ain’t broke, my kids haven’t used it yet.
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.