If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
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No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone