If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
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Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
live long and prosper!
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
today, on father’s day, i’m thinking about how my dad escaped three wars and worked as a janitor only to see his bloodline die out bc his son discovered menswear forums and spent the next 20 years arguing about pants
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
The perfect job for me would be the person staining things for detergent commercials.