If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
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Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
Who will replace Daniel Craig as James Bond
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
I moved the karaoke machine from under my bed to the kitchen so I can sing along when cooking. It scares the dog and drives my daughter crazy so I’d say it’s a big hit.
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
do you know how lucky we are that skunks are generally reasonable