If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
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WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
i dont have time for this
For when Tinder doesn’t work
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*