Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.

Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France

Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.

The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.

me: [jumping out of a cake]

skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience

damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously

If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.

I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…

So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?

*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack

My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.

can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again

no

HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day

COVID-19: Hold my beer

I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.

The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.

Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation

Hospice was my favorite spice girl,

into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma

Auto correct is my worst enema.

Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine

interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé

me: yes

interviewer: are you going to?

me: no

Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.

When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.

Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?

Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there

4-year-old: Can I have some water?

Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.

4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.

Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.

I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.

WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?

ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!

The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.