Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at dog park]

ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.

THEM: is, is that a crab?

ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.

The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.

If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.

My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?

What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?

Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:

M-What do I have to do?

F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.

Mission accomplished.

A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it

Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.

Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.

Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?

I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.

SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?

WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.

WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?

ME: Of course

BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO

Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:

my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run

me: *nodding* no more running, got it

Me, abandoning the call I’m making after two unanswered rings: “well, I tried my absolute best to reach them, not sure what more I could’ve done”

This is the best one I’ve seen

me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times

The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.

I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective

I thinking about becoming a cop. Well, not really a cop but a quirky outsider like on TV who shows up at crime scenes and points out all the clues that experienced detectives missed

*getting kidnapped

Me: Thank you.

Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex

Products that are really small are like free samples, right?

that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE

[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*

Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.

If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.

Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”

Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras