Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?

Me: no

Therapist: no come on, they must have

Home Alone (1990)

A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives

they say if you lose one of your senses the others become heightened like for instance i lost my sense of humor in a boating accident but now my sense of style is so on point i can tell when someone’s wearing white after labor day just by looking at them

My husband texted me from Costco to let me know there was a long line & I think he was looking for me to say “don’t worry about it, just come home” but instead I said “don’t forget the ice.”

As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.

Me: Hey Mom!

My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time

Me: Wha-

Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!

Every work meeting this week

I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.

Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?

Harry: Want to see a magic trick?

Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.

Harry: Got your nose!

Voldemort: You know I hate that game.

[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please

This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.

The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.

I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.

I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.

Me: I wish I were a bird.

Husband: So you can fly?

Me: No. So I can sh*t on people.

Husband: “If you’re a bird, I’m a bird.”

Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman

5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!

I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.

Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.

What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.

My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!

When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.

Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.

I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.

Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.

*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”