Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.

Here, there, and everywhere.

[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain

*Finally finishes my beach setup after two hours*

*Sits down triumphantly*

*Beach tent and umbrella fly away in a strong gust of wind*

*First date*

Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!

Me: I love you and really mean it someday..

Him:

Me: there’s no pleasing some people

me: *screams*

my husband: goddammit

im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it

[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons

Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.

In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.

[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm

whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave

“listen to your body” ok but my body stopped talking to me after I tried to cure my depression with donuts

I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos

I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.

“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.

8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?

Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.

8: Never mind.

6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.

WIFE: Where are you off to?

ME: Shits & giggles.

WIFE: What?

ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.

My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.

Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.

If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have neighbors who hand out vegetables for Halloween.

[bakery]

Robber: Give me all of your bread

Baker: *starts emptying the register*

Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too

Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!

Me: idiot

Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.

Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry

Me: What music you into?

Date: I love hip hop

Me: Yeah me too

[thinking of something to say to impress her]

Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin

My mother’s maiden name is Password.

My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.

Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.

Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.

If snakes were wide