Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.

dead inside

Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.

Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.

Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace

“Morning, how was your weekend?”

I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.

I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.

ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.

Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.

Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes

Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.

I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.

My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.

SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool

My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining

My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them

Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.

Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.

People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.

[job interview]

employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company

me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant

Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.

A song I wrote for the happy couple: “Julie, Letting You Go Was Without A Doubt the Biggest Mistake of My Life.”

Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?

Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.

[at a restaurant]

Her: I’m going with meatloaf

Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together

Captain’s Log:

Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.

Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.

I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter

*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair

bus driver: well, i do not

What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?

Asgard.

My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.

What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?

Single.