if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
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If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.