if you want to gamble on sports you should have to go to a little room across town and talk to a stinky little man. there should be an aura of griminess about it. you should not be able to do gambling on your phone
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My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
One day you’re young and carefree, the next somebody refers to a movie set in the 80s as a period piece.
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
My son didn’t want to get up for school today, so I promised him that if he got up and went to school today, I wouldn’t make him go tomorrow.
We were about halfway to the bus stop when he realized that it’s Friday.
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
Breaking news:
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
Me: that curry was delicious. What was in it?
Hannibal Lecter: it’s a family recipe.
Me: Can I get a spoon to finish off the sauce?
Hannibal: Just mop it up with your nan.
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years