if you want to gamble on sports you should have to go to a little room across town and talk to a stinky little man. there should be an aura of griminess about it. you should not be able to do gambling on your phone
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When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
#MeanwhileInCanada
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount