Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”

My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it

[First Date]

Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting

Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too

me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*

“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”

I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.

i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives

Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.

Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?

Me: Kids?

The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.

It’s real life horror movie science

Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water

Me: My eyes are up here

Picasso: I disagree

The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.

3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap

Me: That’s fine, take a nap

3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning

Me: Great!

3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!

Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!

My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.

7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead

Them: You’re too focused on revenge

Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that

“Okay Benjamin, now I need you to go outside, point your nose up at the sky, and slowly start turning around. I’ll yell when I get a good signal.”

Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.

[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.

Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?

My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.

I laughed.

…

She stared at me until I paid her.

*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*

WE ARET HROUGH

maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*

ROUGH WEATHER

whoa better pack an umbrella

I hate it when people call me judgemental

Especially people wearing shoes like that

[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.

You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.

Guy at the airport bar is hitting on my gf directly next to me and i can finally watch youtube videos with both headphones on now that shes occupied

Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.

Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation

Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on

I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.