If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
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Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
If Goldilocks was part of the Marvel Universe, The Three Bears would be her porridgin story.
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink