If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
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Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
new year update: losing everything but weight
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.