If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
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What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
Establish dominance by retweeting subtweets you know are about you.
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
My humor is broken
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS