If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
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Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
My age is news to me every single time I remember
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
Eating nothing but bacon for my keto diet because I wanna be thin in time for my heart attack
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
*seductively eats two tums*
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.