If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
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TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
Me: I’m not old
My phone flashlight that’s been on for an hour for no reason:
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me