If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
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Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
“eat what’s in season” the health people said
Me:
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
dec 26 to jan 1 is like the days after spotify wrapped… you can listen to/do whatever you want and it doesn’t count against next year’s naughty list
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.