If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
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2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
*serious situation*
My brain:
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
inside you are two wolves
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”