If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
You Might Also Like
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
Hacker: Give us your password or else
30 minutes later…
Me: OK, now try 1987 and three exclamation points
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.