Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?

me: no no I’ve eaten food before

[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationery

philosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox

you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”

My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.

Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.

waiter: did you enjoy your meal

me: honestly not really

waiter: yeah your meal sucked. why would you order that. back in the kitchen we were all like why the hell did he order this. it was hilarious. jesus christ man. gotta be one of the worst orders ever

Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.

Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.

Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there

Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.

Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241

Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.

Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?

Me: AGAIN with the questions!!

playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”

Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.

Friend: any plans for the fall?

Me: do you meant autumn or civilization?

1980s : average parent ; 4 kids

2016: average kid ; 4 parents

ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.

gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it

I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.

2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over

yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days

tell em, edith-anne

do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”

Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold

*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?

We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.

My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.

I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.