If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
You Might Also Like
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
A “birthday card” from my 8 y/o…
Hallmark, you hiring?
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting