If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
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The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
Thinking of getting into the mongering business, I just don’t know if I should do war, fear, or fish.
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep