If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
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I was once killed by a shark escalator.
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
You’ll be OK
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*