If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
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[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
Got upgraded to first class for the first time ever and it’s CRAZY. Free booze and brunch. Bigger TVs. Comfy seats with tons of room. An extra page in the safety manual that says in the case of a crash landing we’re entitled to eat the passengers in coach