If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
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[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
I just ate the last piece of cheese in the fridge and it’s cloudy outside.
🎶 Ain’t no sunshine when cheese gone.
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
I love you…
…r dog.
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.