If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
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Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
There is no “we” in pizza
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
For when Tinder doesn’t work
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??