Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.

phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?

me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box

I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.

Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..

But there are holes in your arguments.

If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.

I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.

the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml

If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???

<during sex>

Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?

Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.

Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.

Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.

Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.

“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –

Obicron Kenobi

Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.

Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me

Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality

7 foot tall undergrad told me that he was going to have to miss class for a game and, not wanting to make assumptions, I asked him what team he was on and he just said “come on” lmao

Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?

*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.

A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.

I threw a ball for my dog.

Extravagant, I know.

But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.

to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead

Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.

mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?

cat: *narrows eyes* yes

I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.

Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.

You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.

Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”

I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.

Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.

I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.

If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.