If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
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If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
After saying something bold, scandalous and outrageous always follow up with, “That’s right. I said it!” Otherwise they’ll mistakenly believe what you said was dull and hardly worth saying. Just more of the pointless droning , on and on, they’ve come to expect from you.
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
it must be school picture day
me: it’s recommended that to relieve stress you leave your desk and take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
Life is like a box of chocolates. More expensive than I was expecting.
every city is a walkable city if you’ve got big strong beefy legs and an indomitable human spirit like me. also broke and car-less
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
Got fired on my first day working at the drugstore for calling my new coworkers my pharmily.
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.